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Heart break journey to finding yourself

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Heart break journey to finding yourself | Modern Portrait

Sometimes, we read/hear things that make our heart break. Once I received this email, I spent the next hour crying, re-reading and crying some more. Her story hit deep in my soul. You never know what someone may be going through. This is her journey.

 

before“My name is Jennifer Becker. I am 25 years old. I am married to a man named Keith, and we have an amazing 4 year old daughter named Brynlee. Shortly after I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia it became more and more apparent that even if I wanted to do hair for a living, I wouldn’t physically be able to come home after a long day of work and be a good wife and mother as well. After a lot of trial and error, I have opted out of taking medication for this because they all made me less of a person, and I would rather deal with the pain then sleep through my child’s life… I was also diagnosed with an Anxiety disorder a little over 6 years ago… But there are so many more reason why I truly believe this would be great time in my life for this… I haven’t taken the time out to really pamper myself in years. I haven’t cut my hair or dyed it in a couple years (which feels like a sin after going to cosmetology school haha). I also am in the middle of climbing out of a deep depression ( I really don’t talk about this, so it is really hard to get out)… My husband and I decided that we want to have another baby, after over a year of trying (which seemed like forever) we finally conceived! Things were going great and I was seeing my Doctor a lot because I had a miscarriage when I was 19… When we hit 10weeks and everything was going well, we decided to tell our daughter that she was going to be a big sister! She was BEYOND excited! Then, when I was a day shy of 11 weeks along, I made an appointment to see my OBGYN because I had a bad bladder infection. While I was there, she decided to check on the baby, just because, and after being unable to find a heart beat, she gave me an ultra sound. When her first words were swears, I knew that my worst fears were becoming reality… I had gone in to the Doctor because it hurt to pee, and left learning that my child’s heart had stopped beating. I have never felt so devastated and lost in my life. I just kept thinking, “WHY!?”, “what do I do now?”, “what am I supposed to tell my daughter?“. This all happened and I ended up having the surgery at the end of Sept ’14. Since then, I have struggled to keep my heart break from my daughter, but I was able to do it. I also explained to her that it was going to be a while longer then we thought before she was going to be a big sister, she simply said “okay”….But she still talks about the baby in my belly all the time, thinking of things she is going to do with him/her, what she wants the name to be, asking if the baby is kicking yet… When she mentioned the baby today (yes, today. I’m not making this up!) I decided that it was time to explain a bit further since I have still been unable to conceive again. I explained to her how some babies aren’t healthy or strong enough to grow big and strong in their mommies bellies and that when this happens, they are called up to heaven to be our angels and watch over us. I explained that that’s what happened to the baby in my belly and tried to tell her that when we grow old and go to heaven ourselves that we would get to meet the baby, but she had already buried her face in my lap. She was crying, like REALLY crying. I felt so helpless! But I just kept soothing her and assuring her that this is what was best and that there would be another baby some day…… In the end, after seeing your post today, I realized that somewhere along the way, I stopped believing in myself as a person. I stopped taking care of myself the way I used to. I have put so much effort into being a good mom, that I pushed my needs aside. I no longer believe I am beautiful. I feel incomplete. I need change. I need this. I want to feel beautiful again.”

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During her photo shoot, we laughed, we danced, she had fun. She was reminded that she is beautiful. She was confident. She remembered it is ok to love yourself. It was also so precious to watch her daughter help in choosing which beautiful photos of her mom she loved.

“Simply Amazing! Amber is incredibly talented. Thank you for making me feel beautiful in my skin again! My confidence has been so much better since the shoot!”

 

 

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